What will I miss most?...Berry Weiss, of course.

If you listen to enough John Mayer, you, too, will write.

I sit at the North Avenue Beach nostalgic over this summer. The city ogles over my right shoulder quite aware that this is one of the last times we’ll be meeting like this. I try not to make too much eye contact—makes these things harder, you know?

In front of me: the lake—the Great Lake. Its vastness not understood until one greets it properly. A group of thirty-somethings play toss with a football. The girl in the water can’t catch, and it frustrates me.

To my right, a teenager takes a picture of his friends in the water careful not to get his IPod wet. He can see their smiles but can’t hear their laughter. Why do we do that?

To my left, four young girls buy ice cream from Mr. Good Humor. They each walk away with the same treat. I wonder if that’s really what each one wanted. There must be a leader in the group.

Edging along the beach, an old woman, nothing short of 90, enters my vision. She walks along the water wearing a yellow jump suit. She’s the tannest one of all of us. Her grin is noticeable. Undoubtedly, we all wonder what was so good? What is so good? She pits a stop 5 feet from the water line and reveals a bathing suit. While she lies back, she uses her hands to hold her head up, not taking her eyes off the view one second. Who could blame her?

It’s a beautiful day—not a degree above 78, and the sky is clear. One of those days you can’t justify ignoring for casual duties. I wonder what brings so many to the beach on a weekday. We can’t all have the luxury of free summers, can we?

I haven’t done much this summer besides what I’ve wanted to do. But that’s how it was supposed to be. Nestled into a studio apartment in the heart of Lincoln Park (twenty-something’s city center) and four blocks from the beach, Tara and I aimed high this summer. With no internet, no television, and an unsatisfying Chicago radio, the room’s activities were bounded. We thought things to circles, talked things to annoyance (me mostly), and reflected past any moment of learning.

We dug deep and sometimes to our own detriments, but you can’t regret something like that. There were nights I didn’t fall asleep until Tara woke up—an over-conscious mind and 90 degree apartment working well together against me. I digress...

I can’t decide how I feel about leaving this place. I must continue to remind myself: summer is an exception, right?

When I leave Saturday morning, I’ll be heading toward a lot of new, a lot of concern, and a lot of possible mistakes. Life has paused for me this summer, though, as if to make up for three years of severance and prepare me for two more. I cannot be more appreciative of this.

Life has paused so I can be with my friends and remember why our company is so great and why college was so good—not that I ever forgot.

Life has paused so I can meet my niece and spend hours in a Costco while my brother changes a ridiculous diaper. So I can see him be a dad.

Life has paused so I can greet my nephew without leaving the day after. A visit that I hope makes the next introduction a little less scary for him…

Life has paused so I can sit outside 720, drink something that is not Berry Weiss, and enjoy an unusual break and moment of chatter with my favorite people.

Life has paused so I can remember where my humor comes from and help Gary one more time with the computer.

Life has paused so I can appreciate the two people who love enough to let me go, and I wonder, if one day, I will love like that.

Life has paused so I can think, talk and reflect with my buddy, and remember to never, ever underestimate her.

Life has paused so I can feel ready to push play again, ‘cause Saturday is coming, and I know nothing slows down anymore.

The clouds have moved in…no, they haven’t, but my phone reminds me it’s time to move on. We’re making pizza at Jack’s tonight, and tonight I say good-bye to my buddy.

As I walk away, I look back at the old woman one last time. Her head rests back on the sand now but still angled at the horizon. She reminds me that no matter how old we get, we’re never too old to wonder: what’s next?

It'll change my life...

I got really tired today. I mean, it hit me hard. I even dozed a little after school while students were still in my room. I blame it on bad habits nurtured in the West Coast Crawl. Yes, we capitalize it around here. If you knew, you’d understand. We fueled ourselves with four lattes a day, on average. That is a latte. Cutting back to one coffee each morning is cutting my lifeline. It’s not just this, though. My head is heavy with the decision.

I was talking to my trigonometry class today. We spoke about periodic functions, you know, functions that repeat values at regular intervals. I sketched two graphs—one showing the yearly weather of Chicago, and one with the yearly weather of Seattle. I kept referring to the Seattle graph as theirs, and the Chicago graph as mine. Then they finally broke it to me, “You’re one of us now, Ms. Steiner. You live here, not there.” I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Here are my options:

1.) Go to UW part-time, work at highline fulltime for one more year, then go to UW full time the second year. (2 year commitment)

2.) Go to UW fulltime and find some sort of part-time job. (1.5ish year commitment, I think.)

3.) Go to NU fulltime and find some sort of part time job in Chicago. (1 year commitment.)

Here are the factors:

CLASS OF ’10-- I love them. They make me love my job. I was a freshman when they were freshmen. I want to leave when they leave. Not to mention I’m in love with my AVID class.

T-REX-- Tara, my dear college friend and road trip associate. She will probably be married by next summer or thereabouts, and this is my last opportunity to live with her. I can only imagine the greatness that could come from this. She makes me love life more than I already do.

JACK and FLIPPER-- Jack is the nephew of mine who lives a few blocks from the campus of NU. Need I say more? Flipper is the womb-name of the niece about to spring out in May from the Michigan brother, well his wife, whatever. If I am never going to have kiddos, I need to be around them at some point. And I don’t want to be the weird Aunt who lives far away and no one ever really knows.

RACHEL-- One of my friends is finally moving to Seattle! I would finally have a roommate that could hang with my weirdness.

PEOPLE VS PEOPLE-- It’s not right to compare, but there’s a difference between the two groups. Leaving home, I had little to fear in terms of losing relationships. I knew the people I was leaving would always be there because I would always be returning. Family does not go away, and the friends I have are, even through the little communication some months, there for long haul. I am scared to leave Seattle because I don’t want to lose the family I’ve met here. It’s painful to think about, but we all get busy and the lists become longer the older we get it seems. Of course it is not purposeful, but it would never be the same, and I don’t want to lose the present. But when I look at it this way, it is as if I am taking my Chicago family and friends for granted and not giving them the time they deserve ‘cause I know they will always be there. It could be great if I was there too. It is tough in Seattle because everyone here still has their home friends, and I’m not exactly part of that crowd.

MISSING OUT-- Not being present for baby showers, baby births, selling of Grammy’s house, trips to hospitals, meeting fiancés of important friends, etc. It stiiiiinks.

SEATTLE-- What gorgeous place! Could I leave the mountains, hills, water, evergreens? And I LOVE the weather. If the mountains could talk back, I’d have to stay. But I need some conversation.

CHICAGO-- I haven’t live in Chicago for a long time (since high school) aside from breaks and summers. I want to breathe with the city through all seasons without an upcoming departure date forcing me to squeeze all my contacts and activities together.

THE ILLINI, etc.-- I will never be a seattle/UW sports fan; it’s just not gonna happen. I miss the illini, the sox, the bears…I am just so uninformed in seattle, and I’ve become a slacker fan. I owe them so much more…

OPRF-- I’ve always had teaching at my alma mater high school at the top of my list. It has been my dream job, and I feel I have the connections to snag it up.

NORTHWESTERN-- Better brand name when you want a position at a competitively fought after school. Not to mention the small scholarship offered to me, which is the reason I have to decide so freaking quickly.

FLEXIBILITY-- The 2 year commitment to Seattle scares me. I don’t like not having an opt out. But, I know that if I were to start teaching at OPRF, I’d be locked in for life, and that is even scarier. I love the west, it’s where I would like to live for good eventually. 1 year commitment at NU gives me some slack should I wish to return.

HIGHLINE-- Aside from the kids, kind of bugs me sometimes.

After all this, I can’t clearly see it. When I tentatively make a decision, it makes me physically sick to think about the opportunity cost. I’m not complaining, though. It is a blessing and honor to have 2 great places and 2 great groups of people to want to accompany in life. I’m finding that there may not be a “right” way to go. I just have to go and be ok to saying no to the other.

The one constant is Friday. Friday I will know if my trig students were right. Friday I have to tell Northwestern if I’ll be walking their campus next fall. Friday looms over my head, on my shoulders, and in my breakfast. Friday makes me tired.