I got really tired today. I mean, it hit me hard. I even dozed a little after school while students were still in my room. I blame it on bad habits nurtured in the West Coast Crawl. Yes, we capitalize it around here. If you knew, you’d understand. We fueled ourselves with four lattes a day, on average. That is a latte. Cutting back to one coffee each morning is cutting my lifeline. It’s not just this, though. My head is heavy with the decision.
I was talking to my trigonometry class today. We spoke about periodic functions, you know, functions that repeat values at regular intervals. I sketched two graphs—one showing the yearly weather of Chicago, and one with the yearly weather of Seattle. I kept referring to the Seattle graph as theirs, and the Chicago graph as mine. Then they finally broke it to me, “You’re one of us now, Ms. Steiner. You live here, not there.” I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
Here are my options:
1.) Go to UW part-time, work at highline fulltime for one more year, then go to UW full time the second year. (2 year commitment)
2.) Go to UW fulltime and find some sort of part-time job. (1.5ish year commitment, I think.)
3.) Go to NU fulltime and find some sort of part time job in Chicago. (1 year commitment.)
Here are the factors:
CLASS OF ’10-- I love them. They make me love my job. I was a freshman when they were freshmen. I want to leave when they leave. Not to mention I’m in love with my AVID class.
T-REX-- Tara, my dear college friend and road trip associate. She will probably be married by next summer or thereabouts, and this is my last opportunity to live with her. I can only imagine the greatness that could come from this. She makes me love life more than I already do.
JACK and FLIPPER-- Jack is the nephew of mine who lives a few blocks from the campus of NU. Need I say more? Flipper is the womb-name of the niece about to spring out in May from the Michigan brother, well his wife, whatever. If I am never going to have kiddos, I need to be around them at some point. And I don’t want to be the weird Aunt who lives far away and no one ever really knows.
RACHEL-- One of my friends is finally moving to Seattle! I would finally have a roommate that could hang with my weirdness.
PEOPLE VS PEOPLE-- It’s not right to compare, but there’s a difference between the two groups. Leaving home, I had little to fear in terms of losing relationships. I knew the people I was leaving would always be there because I would always be returning. Family does not go away, and the friends I have are, even through the little communication some months, there for long haul. I am scared to leave Seattle because I don’t want to lose the family I’ve met here. It’s painful to think about, but we all get busy and the lists become longer the older we get it seems. Of course it is not purposeful, but it would never be the same, and I don’t want to lose the present. But when I look at it this way, it is as if I am taking my Chicago family and friends for granted and not giving them the time they deserve ‘cause I know they will always be there. It could be great if I was there too. It is tough in Seattle because everyone here still has their home friends, and I’m not exactly part of that crowd.
MISSING OUT-- Not being present for baby showers, baby births, selling of Grammy’s house, trips to hospitals, meeting fiancés of important friends, etc. It stiiiiinks.
SEATTLE-- What gorgeous place! Could I leave the mountains, hills, water, evergreens? And I LOVE the weather. If the mountains could talk back, I’d have to stay. But I need some conversation.
CHICAGO-- I haven’t live in Chicago for a long time (since high school) aside from breaks and summers. I want to breathe with the city through all seasons without an upcoming departure date forcing me to squeeze all my contacts and activities together.
THE ILLINI, etc.-- I will never be a seattle/UW sports fan; it’s just not gonna happen. I miss the illini, the sox, the bears…I am just so uninformed in seattle, and I’ve become a slacker fan. I owe them so much more…
OPRF-- I’ve always had teaching at my alma mater high school at the top of my list. It has been my dream job, and I feel I have the connections to snag it up.
NORTHWESTERN-- Better brand name when you want a position at a competitively fought after school. Not to mention the small scholarship offered to me, which is the reason I have to decide so freaking quickly.
FLEXIBILITY-- The 2 year commitment to Seattle scares me. I don’t like not having an opt out. But, I know that if I were to start teaching at OPRF, I’d be locked in for life, and that is even scarier. I love the west, it’s where I would like to live for good eventually. 1 year commitment at NU gives me some slack should I wish to return.
HIGHLINE-- Aside from the kids, kind of bugs me sometimes.
After all this, I can’t clearly see it. When I tentatively make a decision, it makes me physically sick to think about the opportunity cost. I’m not complaining, though. It is a blessing and honor to have 2 great places and 2 great groups of people to want to accompany in life. I’m finding that there may not be a “right” way to go. I just have to go and be ok to saying no to the other.
The one constant is Friday. Friday I will know if my trig students were right. Friday I have to tell Northwestern if I’ll be walking their campus next fall. Friday looms over my head, on my shoulders, and in my breakfast. Friday makes me tired.
Pray about it, Kar! I will pray about it for you too! :) Miss you! Looked like your trip with Tar was really great!
ReplyDeleteYo, Joe. I am tired as well. Seriously, by the end of 2nd period yesterday I had already finished my coffee (that usually doesn't happen until mid-4th) and I had a raging headache. I drank my second round of coffee (at the normal time), but the headache continued until I went to bed last night. Today was a bit better, but the coffee still went down way too quickly. On another note, I saw one of my students in the hallway after school and whispered in her year, "Get out of my way, you jerk." She thought I called her a trick. That's not really imperative to my story, but as I walked away she said to her friend, "That's my teacher, and she always be drinkin her coffee." Needless to say, I am suffering the consequences of a different sort of binge drinking. But hey, there are worse addictions to have, right?
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, I'm not really sure you can weight this decision with a list of pros and cons. It's like that "Friends" episode (I know you don't watch friends), where Ross is trying to decide between Rachel and the Chinese girl he is dating. Rachel's list had a whole crap-load of cons, and the Chinese girl's (damn, I wish I could remember her name) only said, "She's not Rachel." Needless to say, the strength of one outweighed the lengthy list of the other. I know that's probably a horrible comparison, but it seemed to be a bit relevant. Ultimately, I think you would find joy and pain in either decision. As your lists clearly show, each place holds something dear to you that the other does not. Unfortunately, you are not able to blend those two worlds (and you probably wouldn't want to). And you may be right, if you do move from Seattle now, your relationships out there may fade. Perhaps not all of them, but some of them. But even if they do, those people have helped to shape and mold you into a better Karen. They have taught you lessons about honesty and integrity that are irreplaceable. So even if you leave, you will always carry a part of them with you (as cheesy as that may sound). On the other hand, coming back will give you time with your family and friends (me, specifically and selfishly) that you seem to be missing. You will be able to foster and grow those relationships in new ways. I know moving back helped me to know my parents on a level that I had never experienced before. I pray that you would have a similar experience.
But if you stay out in Seattle, I definitely don't think you're taking your relationships here for granted. You have built a community there and have had what seems like a phenomenal impact on your students. It is completely understandable if you feel that your job there is not done. Maybe you ARE one of them (for now). A temporary Seattle-ite.
I feel like there is more I want to say, but I am seriously so tired, and I think I began to ramble and become too sentimental or philosophical or cliche there at the end. Ick.
"In him we were also chosen, having been predistined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory" (Ephesians 1:12).
Whatever you chose to do, if you glorify God, you will be following His will for your life.
It's that easy, right?
WROOOOOOOOOOOONG. Just kidding. Sort of. I'm so tired.
I meant, "Whatever you CHOOSE to do," not chose. I can't believe I teach English. I think I had some tense errors in there, too. Ugh.
ReplyDelete